A recent poll done by the education charity TLG informs us that parents would rather your pupils were unhappy with much exam success than happy with much exam failure.
There is, apparently, a corollary here. You could have fooled me. But, no, this is how it seems to work. We should err on the side of misery. I thought it was quite the reverse. Still, you can’t argue with a poll. Depression breeds Excellence. Melancholy is beneficial. Thus parents seem keen that their offspring work like drones, that they are “stretched” – on the rack of anxiety.
So how do we make the classroom experience even more wretched? How do we ensure even more exam success? Well, basically, more of the same – and then some. More mindless endeavour, more teaching ferociously to the Test. Crank up the misery. Crank up the anxiety. This shouldn’t be too difficult.
Your pupils might be pretty glum, nay suicidal, from the perpetually pointless tests in primary school. You just put the bloom on this, up the relentless diet of targets, objectives, streaming, extra homework, mock-mock exams, weekend interventions, booster twilight workshops and the ever-popular self-flagellating double-bind of self-assessment. “I’m sorry I’m rubbish and lazy, I promise to work until I’m exhausted.”
“Keep up the pressure, no relaxation,” was the mantra of my last headteacher. It works. Anxiety levels go through the roof. And, finally, make sure that “everyone is above average”, a key concept from the much-maligned Gove.
This keeps dimmer pupils on their toes. Top streams will be on Valium and eating disorders, fretting about A* with private tutors. Middle streams will be neurosing about C grades – a D grade, as we well know, is dereliction and doom. Only the low streams are relaxed. They aren’t allowed to do exams, and mess up league tables. They are thus carefree and feckless and frolic in ignorance and failure.
Meanwhile teachers could well be on beta-blockers and communicate their anxiety to the pupils. Marvellous.
And parents, poor, craven parents are at their wits’ end, worrying about their children’s catastrophic futures. Never fear, help might be at hand.
“School is a challenge for many parents, and working out how to best support their children is a conundrum,” says chief executive of TLG. Does he know what conundrum means? Maybe, they should simply not collude with this nonsense. Some tender souls might consider it child abuse. I’ve always erred on the side of fun, a few larks. It cheers them up. It cheers me up.
Happiness was more our target. I’m not sure it always promoted failure.
- Ian Whitwham is a former inner city London teacher.