Well, it’s meant to. That’s the plan. The Fat Controller is working on it. “If staff morale is at an all-time low, you know you are doing something right,” Sir Macho of Offhead famously told management. Your gloom is his pleasure. Your fear is his control It seems to work.
Teacher morale plummets to new lows. According to a recent YouGov poll, 53 per cent of you are thinking of quitting in the next couple of years – even more in the “Northern Powerhouse”.
Yikes! That’s some achievement. It doesn’t come easy. You know how it goes. High workloads, 90-hour weeks, dim curriculums, tedious spreadsheets, relentless reports, triple-marking, micro-managing, data-checking, infinite testing and endless exams, like next week’s pointless mocks.
Punishing stuff. Still in the ring? You want more? Well, how about the barking, helicopter, bullying parents? The relentless classroom surveillance? The condescending, quisling inspectors? And the orchestrated malice from ministers, who never attended a state school?
Wobbling? Punch drunk? More? How about the incessant need to generate statistical evidence to reach daft targets to pass performance management reviews to escape “capability” and a life of genteel or savage poverty, whereby you can’t afford the rent for a damp matchbox in the boondocks...
That should finish you. “My body went twang and broke,” said one teaching chum. Perhaps she should man up. Too many teachers are overly sensitive and seek the solace of pills, Rescue Remedy, Jamesons, or in rare cases, the loony bin. Or simply quit.
But 53 per cent is a bit steep – counterproductive even. Even Sir Macho is worried. But he has a solution. Corporate Bribery. He’ll pay you a bit more to stay. “Golden Handcuffs!” he calls it. What a dodgy metaphor, all about control and constraint. The teacher as prisoner. Well, beware the Stockholm Syndrome.
This is surely nonsense. You’re living in an Absurd Universe. Check out Camus’ Sisyphus. Rebel. Get your life back. Banish gloom, it’s bad for your teaching.
Get happy. Get better. It’s good for your pupils. You know you’re good. Turn your classroom into a fun palace. Turn those Briefings and jargon into a laughing stock. Earnest is the last refuge of the stupid. Smile. A new year resolution? Laugh at the madness. You have nothing to lose but your chains.
- Ian Whitwham is a former inner city London teacher.