As I write this, my feelings about the first day at school in September alternate almost daily between excited optimism and absolute dread.
Half of me cannot wait to have my own classes, my own room, be my own teacher. The other half is finding it hard to ignore the constant reminders that the stress and struggles of last year will be magnified perhaps ten-fold during my NQT year.
“Oh you think the PGCE is hard, just wait for your NQT year!”
Every time I hear that I want to curl up into the foetal position and stay there until July 2017.
The worst fears are the ones that are completely irrational: what if I’ve forgotten how to teach? What if they all hate me? What if I embarrass myself on my first day?
The reality is, I know I can teach, some kids will like me and some won’t (and that’s okay), and I probably will embarrass myself (and that’s okay too).
There’s a part of me that feels, as unrealistic as it may be, that any behaviour management problems I had in my PGCE year will all go away when I have my own classes. If I am able to mould these wonderful, smiling children into the perfect students from September onwards, then they will be angels forever...
I know this is unlikely to happen but I remain hopeful that having the opportunity to get to know my classes from the beginning of the year, rather than being thrust upon them mid-term, will create a classroom that the kids (and I) will enjoy being in.
As well as trying to suppress these absurd niggles, dealing with the very real challenge of implementing the new GCSE specifications for year 10 and getting my head around the new grading system while maintaining the old specifications for year 11 is starting to feel a little overwhelming. I can’t help feeling that I may not be entering the profession at the ideal time.
Although with the specifications changing with every new government, I suppose there will never really be a good time.
For the time being, however, I will try to focus on getting through the first week of teaching a full timetable.
As I sit here writing this, surrounded by a sea of data, lesson plans and schemes of work, I’m realising that I don’t even know what time I need to arrive on Monday, where I should go, or what I should be doing with my few precious student-free days.
I don’t think I have ever felt less prepared for anything in my life. The shiny QTS certificate and the hours of teaching practice last year are somehow not enough to convince me that I can teach and that everything will be fine.
However, despite this first diary entry being almost entirely about fears rather than hopes, I am excited to begin my NQT year.
As soon as I get back into the swing of things, I know that the hopes will definitely outweigh the fears and I am confident that this year will be a success for me and for my students.
Even though the school-inspired dreams (and nightmares) have already begun in earnest – so far I have already lost my job on my first day and turned up to school in just my underwear – I’m sure the reality of my first day will be great, if a bit of a shock to the system.
Bring on Monday morning!
- SecEd’s NQT diarist this year is a teacher of citizenship, RE and humanities at a school in the Midlands.