I spent my entire childhood in the care system – and during this time I was educated in five different schools.
As the founder of Elements SEMH Support, I have also spent the last 16 years supporting some of the most vulnerable children and young people in residential care, family support, and within the education sector.
At the heart of all I do is relationships, and in this article, I would like to offer five approaches to use with your students so that you can build stronger relationships.
First, let’s start with why
Let’s face it, building any relationship takes time and energy – so why bother? Why go through those difficult and challenging emotional barriers?
Many teachers know instinctively that strong relationships support better learning and better outcomes. They help increase student motivation and engagement.
But perhaps for some students in your class, something is not quite right; perhaps you want to ensure you are doing everything you possibly can to help your students feel worthy and valued, to create relationships that are strong enough to overcome any setbacks or adversity – whether that be in their learning or in their own lives. So, consider these five approaches…
1, You can’t see the picture, when you’re inside the frame
The best people to give feedback on you are your students. It is understandable why most teachers would not dare ask their students for this type of feedback because it can feel disempowering.
However, in reality it will do two things. First, it will give you vital insights into what your students think about. Second, it teaches your students the meaning of humility and shows this in action.
So, here’s the pitch: “Good morning, everyone. I was wondering if you could help me out with a small exercise. I am always looking to improve as a teacher and as a person and I would appreciate some feedback based on your own perspectives – of me! Everyone’s responses will be anonymous – meaning I won’t know who has completed the form.”
The form could be as simple as answering 1 (no), 2 (not sure), or 3 (yes) to a number of questions, such as (and I am sure you might have your own to add):
- Do you believe I am a supportive teacher?
- Would you come to me if you were upset, angry or worried?
- Do you feel I listen to you and try to understand where you are coming from?
2, Don’t expect what you’re not prepared to give
Please. Thank you. I’m sorry. I’m not sure.
These are what we would call basics – saying please and thank you, or admitting when you got something wrong (and crucially apologising for it). Or saying you don’t know the answer. Or even asking for help.
These are the basics we try to teach our children during the early years and at primary school. But it seems that the older children get the less we focus on them.
I remember being asked to deliver a talk at a secondary school INSET and I asked 100 teachers the following question: “During the last school year, how many of you can remember apologising to a student at least once?”
Only a handful raised their hands. Were those who kept their hands down nervous about admitting this or did they believe that they never once had reason to apologise to their students? I would find the latter hard to believe because during the course of a school year we are going to get stuff wrong.
We expect the students to apologise and take responsibility for their actions if they make a mistake and yet as adults apologising to young people is often frowned upon.
So why is covering these basics so important and how do they contribute to a stronger relationship? Three things:
- Expectation.
- Respect.
- Against the status quo.
Here’s the imbalance of power. There is zero expectation from the students for their teachers to apologise to them, even if they know their teacher was in the wrong. Yet there is huge expectation from the teacher and the school for students to apologise if they make a mistake.
A young person is far more likely to respect a teacher who has shown a level of vulnerability and humility – and thereby going against the status quo.
Imagine apologising to a student in front of the whole class – this could be the ultimate challenge for many of you, but it would be something those students will never forget.
Education is about role modelling the behaviours we wish to see. So why as adults do we struggle to do the very basics with our young people, expecting them to “do as we say, not as we do”?
3, Open statements are more effective than asking questions
When I practised as a counsellor, we learned the difference between an open and closed question.
- Closed question: Did it make you feel angry?
- Open question: How did it make you feel?
If questions are to be used, an open question is always best. What is more powerful than any question, however, is an open statement because the student can choose how they navigate this.
The problem with questions is that all questions demand an answer and for some of our young people they may not know how to articulate that answer, perhaps because they do not yet have the emotional vocabulary.
Even an open question – How are you feeling Lacey? – may have an adverse effect, because Lacey may be feeling upset but may not want to talk to you about it. So then she feels even worse for lying. She will tell you “I’m okay”, but she isn’t.
So what does an open statement sound like?
- It looks like you’ve had a difficult afternoon Lacey (silence).
- I wonder what might have happened if you hadn’t done what you did (silence).
- I imagine it was a difficult choice for you to make (silence).
This will instantly change the dynamic of your interaction with the student because at no stage have you asked them a question. The most important part about this communication is the (silence).
Once you have opened the statement, you will need to be silent, otherwise known as “leaving the door open”. The silence is the most powerful part because it allows your student to navigate their thoughts without feeling rushed and it also shows them you are listening attentively – even if they choose not to say anything. Allow at least five to eight seconds of silence before you proceed with another statement or comment.
Remember: it is not your silence to break. This is important because a lot of young people are used to adults speaking over them or filling in the blanks for them – talking at or to them instead of listening to them.
4, Don’t confuse time for energy
Over the years, I have spoken with hundreds of teachers and I have come across a common theme in attitude – and it sounds like this: “Steven, I would love to invest more into my students’ wellbeing, but I just don’t have the time.”
Now imagine a young person, whose parents or carers have the same attitude – how will that young person feel valued, feel worthy of someone’s time if no-one has time for them.
Of course we are all busy, we all have schedules, to-do lists, and deadlines. But what about this young person? Are they not worth 10 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour? Of course they are.
We can all think of that one particular student who is struggling massively. Maybe on the brink of exclusion. Maybe expecting to be permanently excluded.
Any relationship of course takes time to build, but what if you could take just 15 minutes to connect with Dylan over a cup of tea or a game of chess or Connect 4? He would feel valued. He would feel worthy of your time. Would this not at least begin to restore some of his faith in his teachers and his school?
A thought to ponder on: “It’s not the time we put in, it’s what we put into the time.”
5, Ask students for help
Probably the most powerful thing an adult can say to a young person (alongside “I’m sorry”) is: “I need your help.”
Imagine you turned up to work each day with a shield on the front of which was written: “I have nothing to learn from you.”
But the moment you say to them, “I could really do with your help”, the child can see you laying down your shield.
If you ask them for help with something, then you immediately help them to feel valuable, worthy, and, vitally, it helps them feel a sense of responsibility and empowerment. Here are two examples
- “Hey Dylan, I could really do with your help – are you still close to Leah? She hasn’t been into school for the past week, if you see her can you let her know we’re thinking about her?”
- “Hey Dylan, would you be able to help me with handing these textbooks out? I can get the job done a lot faster with your help.”
A thought to ponder on: “Good teachers turn up to teach. Great teachers turn up to learn.”
Final thoughts and a challenge
Take some time to answer the following questions with honesty and integrity. As you reflect on your answers, you will gain a deeper insight into the levels of connection you have with your students.
- Do I use behaviour as a barometer of my students’ success?
- How do I interact with the students first thing in the morning and last thing at the end of the day?
- How do I show curiosity about my students’ behaviours?
- How do I scrutinise the language I use to speak to – and about – the students?
- How would I rate my listening and speaking skills when communicating with students?
- How do I help my students feel more valued in my classroom?
- How do I promote authenticity to my students?
- How often do I play games with my students?
- Am I comfortable apologising to students? Am I comfortable asking them for help?
- Why is it important to me to build stronger relationships with my students?
- Am I prioritising my own emotional wellbeing and keeping myself “topped up”?
When all is said and done, relationships are just like bank accounts. In order for us to see a return, we first must invest. By which I mean we get out what we put in.
- Steven Russell is the founder of Elements SEMH Support, a creative social and emotional mental health support service for children and young people. As a child, he lived with nine foster families, was placed into two children's homes and attended five schools. This experience led him to create Elements. Visit https://elementssupport.com, email info@elementssupport.com or call Steven via 07398 694 790.
Further listening
SecEd Podcast: Steven Russell appeared alongside Dr Pooky Knightsmith in a recent episode of the SecEd Podcast focused on supporting vulnerable students who are living with trauma or adverse childhood experiences (March 2022). Listen via https://bit.ly/3wbnQzq