A 17-hour school day


Chairman Gove is clearly on to something, but he doesn’t go far enough. I propose a more rigorous 17-hour school day.

Longer school days, shorter school hols. Out goes the fuddy duddy 19th century agricultural model. In comes the more cutting-edge East Asian model of relentless drudgery. If we don’t follow this, we’ll lose the “global race” to countries like Singapore or Japan or China. 

Our tots are simply not as full of facts as theirs. “Longer hours” will fill them up, though there is no scientific evidence to support this.

“We either start working as hard as the Chinese, or we’ll all soon be working for the Chinese.” I’m not sure how this will play with my Chinese pupils Tuvshin or Jing Sheng – or, indeed, with Ronald “The Sloth” Crumlin. 

Whatever, we must go East Asian. Their regime seems to work, though both pupils and teachers are prone to massive fatigue, acute depression, bone deep boredom, terminal incuriosity, chronic disaffection and the odd suicide. Still, sacrifices must be made. Chairman Gove is clearly on to something, but he doesn’t go far enough. I propose a more rigorous 17-hour school day. This is modelled on the North Korean thinker, Ying Ton Long Hours and goes something like this:

6am to 8am: Marathon running or 1,000 press-ups or dumb bell lifts, followed by an extremely cold shower. 8am to 8:05am: Gruel. 8:05am to 9am: Assembly. Blind Patriotism. Saluting The Gove. Old Testament Readings from the King James Bible, personally signed by Kim Yong Gove. Tests.

9am to 11am: The Canon. Great White Dead Men – e.g. Dryden and Pope. Rote-learning, recitation and repetition of text until blue of visage. Tests. 11am to 2pm: Science. “Was Darwin Wrong?” Tick “yes” box. Or else. 

2pm to 4pm: Great Thinkers. Keynote speakers are the Lords Sugar and Branson, who will address topics like “Greed is Good”, “Stuff Thy Neighbour” and “Was Marx Wrong?” Tick “yes” box. Or else. Tests. 4pm to 6pm: History. Britain still rules waves ok? Starkey’s Kings of Merrie England. Tests.

6pm to 8pm: Life Skills. This will include motivational speeches, the Art of Getting Filthy Rich, Fobbing off the Poor, Lying like Billyho, Insider Dealing and Cringing Servility. Tests.

8pm to 11pm: Final assembly. Recitation of the salient facts. Detentions for dissident pupils. Ditto Marxist teachers. Show Trials for Special Needs pupils. Stocks for “Dunces of the Day”. The Great Parade of Failures. Three hours of tick-box homework.

So, there you have it, 17 hours of murderous graft. This should sort out the likes of Ronald “The Sloth” Crumlin and the needs of our great nation.


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